You are feeling stuck into a meaningless job, a stressful relationship; your days are filled with tasks and worries and you never find time for yourself.
You feel exhausted, angry, resentful and sad. You feel the energy is draining out of you…
You need to change something because you are at a point of breakdown. You, however, feel that you can’t stop. If you do, who will take care of everything?
Hope is leaving you and you are systematically drowning in your own dissatisfaction, you are standing in emotional quicksand…
- Do you feel overwhelmed, stressed out and resentful but you cannot understand why?
- Do you feel compelled to say yes to every request made to you and feel guilty even thinking about saying no?
- Do you feel lonely and isolated?
- Do you feel that pleasing your partner is the most rewarding thing for you?
- Do you feel that you need to prove your love to people by tending to all of their needs?
- Have you caught yourself postponing the pursuit of your needs to help others?
- Do you feel fragile and sensitive? Do you have a hard time taking criticism?
- Do you feel misunderstood and hurt a lot?
- Do you seem to attract relationships that are unequal, where you think you are always giving and rarely if ever, getting anything from it?
- Does your partner have issues with drugs or alcohol?
- Do you feel abused or taken advantage of?
If you can relate to it all, you might be suffering from codependency. The definition of codependency is a relationship where one person gets most of her emotional and self-esteem needs from another person.
It is a relationship that is dysfunctional and unequal. One person is “the giver” another one is “the taker.”
The giver enables the taker to adopt negative, irresponsible or addictive behaviors without taking responsibility for his/her actions.
It is frequent that the taker also becomes an underachiever. The giver thrives receiving the sense of importance from taking care of the taker.
Codependency is not a disease, it is a behavior; it is usually learned and passes from generation to generation.
Sometimes a person develops co-dependency due to being involved in taking care of a person suffering from a chronic illness or substance abuse issues.
Even though apparently it seems an altruistic and generous act, in fact, it has an important component of control as the person who is the giver, has a great deal of anxiety which is taken care of by caring for others.
Co-dependence is also known as “relationship addiction.” It develops more frequently when people have been raised being exposed to dysfunctional family relationships.
I know that at this point you might be feeling lost, confused or even feeling guilty. You might be thinking that even though you are suffering this much, you do not have an illness, therefore it is your fault…
Well, I have great news… You do not have to continue this behavior or to pass it to the next generation…
There is help!
Imagine feeling calm, relaxed and centered. Imagine having time to pursue activities that relax and nourish you.
Visualize delegating tasks, being able to say no and being free of guilt.
Imagine being able to set boundaries on other people’s behaviors and stopping feeling resentful and angry.
Picture you being able to let negative consequences teach your loved one to grow, change and become a responsible, functional individual.
See yourself having your dream job, having friends.
Imagine this: you now have learned to identify priorities and your own needs; you know how to relax and how to prevent stress to build up.
You are in control and leading your life toward fulfilling your dreams. You know how to handle conflict peacefully and effectively, your lifestyle is aligned to your values and you are conquering all that you always dreamt of.
You have got your wings: you can fly, explore, re-create. You have changed and you grew into the person you were meant to be. Life is fun, it is limitless!
That is what therapy can teach you. I know it is scary to face this anxiety, to fear to be the agent of a tragedy. You are habituated to have all things under your control and you fear once you won’t be in charge, that it all will fall apart.
This is the reason why so many people who suffer from codependency won’t look for help. But it is important to observe that when the giver stops the endless giving, the taker will need to find ways to grow and change.
Not necessarily it will help them with their issues; it is not uncommon that the taker will search for a new giver to continue taking care of his needs.
But when the giver starts taking care of his own needs, a world full of possibilities opens up. Somehow the world continues and life is lighter, more colorful, easier to live, less frustrating and confusing…
Common Signs of a Person Who is Co-Dependent:
1- Low self-esteem:
You might compare yourself to others and feel like you are not good enough; you might feel unlovable. You might be perfectionist and feel guilty when you feel you are less than perfect.
2- Difficulties to say no to others:
You feel a need to be liked by all. You feel you need to take care of others and you put your needs and wants on the backburner in order to prioritize the other person’s needs.
Caregiving is part of your identity; you feel uncomfortable and rejected if people do not want to be helped.
You depend on others’ acceptance to feel worthy; because of it, you are dependent on the other person,even when technically you could easily be independent.
Because caregiving and being needed is such a part of their lives, co-dependents stay in relationships, even when they are negative as they feel lonely and incomplete when not in a relationship.
3- You might have poor boundaries:
You overstretch yourself to help others, you forget (or give away) your needs in order to help the needs of others. You are frequently tired, broken or angry because you have done more than you can and it builds resentment.
4- Emotional Reactivity:
Because you have poor boundaries and a need to please others, criticism hits you hard and your responses come out very emotional.
You either take criticism personally and feel sad and inadequate or you will act defensively and might be angry.
This happens because being so involved with this person, you do not have the perception that it is only this person’s opinion and it does not necessarily is true. You feel personally attacked. Being overwhelmed already, you are prone to snap.
5- You might obsess about your loved one.
Because you depend on your connection with this person to have a sense of value, you might direct a lot of energy on making things right and you might become obsessive about the possibility of having messed up something.
Also, when you obsess about your relationship or your loved one, you avoid your anxiety and fears related to your own insecurities. It is like “I am okay, the other person is not.” It numbs your own problems that go to the backburner.
6- You feel a need to control the events in your life.
Control makes you feel safe and secure. It also protects you from getting in contact with your feelings.
If you are feeling overwhelmed and sad but you “need” to take care of something, you push your feelings away, as feelings equal vulnerability, which increases the anxiety and makes you feel out of control. It is a self-feeding wheel.
7-Communication problems.
Because a codependent person is always focused on the needs and desires of others, they frequently are not in contact with their own needs and desires.
Lacking awareness of one’s needs and desires complicates the ability to communicate clearly and assertively.
Another issue is that the fear of shaking the relationship makes the person prone to minimize issues, even when they are aware of them.
A person might say that a certain behavior is okay out of fear of conflict but then he/she becomes resentful with their partner. The message is confused and there is a lack of honesty.
A common consequence of it is a person having emotional explosions that feel out of context or displaying a disproportionate reaction to a very little stimuli. That is the resentment that has built up.
8-Difficulties with intimacy
Codependent people have a hard time being intimate with their partner as intimacy implies in being vulnerable.
Because they have low self-esteem they fear being judged, rejected or abandoned.
They do everything together and breathe each other’s air however they lack the true connection brought by real intimacy.
They are always insecure and trying to make things right; They walk on eggshell. When things do not work well, they get upset and it furthers even more their need to control the relationship in order to feel secure.
Their relationship is always painful and stressful.
9- Living in denial
Perhaps the worst characteristic of a codependent is the fact that he/she lives in denial. They do not take responsibility for the problems they have and they tend to attribute it to others.
They either keep on trying to change their partner consistently or they jump from one relationship to another, always looking for the perfect one.
They might look clingy and needy as they are anxious to get approval and acceptance from others or they might act independent and unattached as they cannot stand being vulnerable; they have a hard time reaching out and receiving attention and love.
Although they are always in relationships, they tend to feel lonely, abused, angry and dissatisfied. Inevitably, codependency leads to anxiety and depression.
The sad part is that it can change but frequently people keep on living in denial.
They keep on dreaming that the next time they “have a talk” something will change for the better.
Other times they keep on changing partners in the hope that when they get “the perfect partner” it will all come into place and they will be happy forever.
Therapy for Codependency
Therapy will help you to get in contact with your feelings, your vulnerabilities but will also help you to access your personal qualities and talents and it will empower you to find your own strength, and your own voice.
In a nurturing, non-judgemental space, you will learn to listen to your needs and desires, to draw your own itinerary, to stop walking in circles and start walking towards your desired destination.
Therapy will prepare you to love and appreciate yourself so that you will be able to connect intimately with your partner and you won’t need anyone to prove how good you are.
You will know who you are; you will know your talents and flaws and your are comfortable being in your own skin.
Now, self-confident and centered, you are free to have a real, fulfilling, nurturing and healthy love.
Don’t wait! Call me now so that we can create the life of your dream together!
(561) 635-2431